Let Go

Whoa. So disclaimer: This post is extremely honest. It may provide you with wayy too much info about me and may have no sarcasm or fun fact. I was supposed to do a lipstick post but now you get this: me pouring my heart out.

Back in January, I wrote stuff I hope to do this year, one of the things on my list was cutting negative people out of my life. I did that tonight. Let’s call this person Tyler.

Tyler and I were best friends in 11th grade. I told this person everything. And, then matric happened. I was completely blindsided when Tyler started acting like a jerk. In Indian communities being dark skinned isn’t the most favourable of situations. So I’m dark, fat and in Tyler’s eyes, ugly. Tyler had plenty of material for name calling and borderline bullying. It didn’t help that a lot of my classmates got in on the-make-fun-of-Terscilla-train. I’m not going to bore you with the names they used or what they did but it was ridiculous and something I never understood. Up until that moment I thought I was at least friends with these people. Wake up call. Most people are fake. And while my friends supported me, and told me to not to worry about them, they still remained friends with Tyler. It eventually got so bad, (Tyler’s friend got a new number and pranked me on whatsapp pretending to a boy I had a crush on), I told a teacher. She’s a lovely woman, bless her soul, and chose to believe they meant nothing and would never bother me again. Naturally, they continued, thankfully trials rolled around then finals and I knew I’d never see these fools again. I remember being the only person to total the LO final in my grade. Tyler held his breath until someone’s overall mark was higher than mine and then cheered.

But school was out, I was headed to a university far away from everyone and I could start over. And Joburg and Wits you have been amazing. Unfortunately, before uni could start, Tyler went through something tragic. My mum told me in times like these, you forget the fight and you be there for the person. So I broke my vow of silence. Tyler and I spoke like nothing had ever went down. Tyler eventually told me the why behind those dumb actions. And I was hurt. My roommate found me in tears, so that was embarrassing. But I forgave Tyler, this person was a huge part of my life, the good, the bad and the ugly. But I don’t think I ever truly forgot how I felt during that year, so we’ve been talking. Almost everyday. But being friends with Tyler again, it was comforting and it was a rut. It was what I knew how to do, having someone to complain to and vent to was good. But, I probably never admitted it to myself until today, I never felt like I was enough. I never had long enough hair, fair enough skin, a perfect body or a pretty enough face. May I also mention during this time of new friendship we never physically met. At the back of my mind I wondered are we even friends.

But the moral of this semi sob story?

I’ve been slowly realising that my skin colour does not matter, neither does my weight or my hair or my face for that matter. I’m an awesome person and I am pretty, not because someone told me so but because I am. I deleted Tyler tonight. Am I sad? Yes. Did I cry? A lot. Do I want Tyler to profusely apologise and grovel for the return of my friendship? Yes but I know Tyler wont, and I’m extremely glad for that. I’ve let go of the past. Tyler was once an amazing friend. I will miss talking to someone about music, from Christian songs to violin covers, the engineering struggle and so much more. But, just because I miss it doesn’t mean I should still have it. Maybe I’ll never have such a simple easy connection with someone again and that’s okay. I’ve let go.

Another important note to add is it’s okay for you to cut people out. I had such issues with doing so, when you’ve invested that much time in a person, it’s normal to not want to sever those ties. You need to do you, focus on yourself, be selfish to better yourself, to make better connections and enhance the ones you’ve been neglecting.

igetlostinsoundandspace

 

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